facing fears vol.1
you know how people sometimes say you have to face your fears to get over them? there are two fears i have faced since Michael died. two fears i was not planning on ever facing or conquering. they may sound trivial, but they are real. and one of them i faced tonight.
for 9 1/2 years my dad has played piano at The Panda Inn restaurant on friday and saturday nights. when michael and i started dating, michael began rotating nights with my dad and soon became a regular "piano man" at Panda. we all used to gather for dinner with friends and family and see my husband play. he always played my song, Dancing in the Sand, and he always ended his set with " What a Wonderful World". i have not been back to the restaurant since Michael died. didn't think i could handle seeing that piano again. well... tonight was my dads last night at Panda, and i went. i thought it would be hard, but it wasn't bad. i didn't even tear up until i went up to the piano to congratulate my dad. sitting in a frame on the piano was the picture from the dispatch. seeing that choked me up a little. other than that i was ok. i was only at the restaurant for about 5 minutes because i have been really sick. but i did it. i faced that fear and i overcame it. and i know it meant a lot to my dad to see me there.
the next fear is going back to the james. i have not been back into that hospital since the day i left my husband there. our final trip there i knew would end in me leaving without him. and i have not set foot in there since. that one is going to be a little more difficult. and in my own timing, i will do it. and i will overcome it. That will be Facing Fears Vol. 2
for 9 1/2 years my dad has played piano at The Panda Inn restaurant on friday and saturday nights. when michael and i started dating, michael began rotating nights with my dad and soon became a regular "piano man" at Panda. we all used to gather for dinner with friends and family and see my husband play. he always played my song, Dancing in the Sand, and he always ended his set with " What a Wonderful World". i have not been back to the restaurant since Michael died. didn't think i could handle seeing that piano again. well... tonight was my dads last night at Panda, and i went. i thought it would be hard, but it wasn't bad. i didn't even tear up until i went up to the piano to congratulate my dad. sitting in a frame on the piano was the picture from the dispatch. seeing that choked me up a little. other than that i was ok. i was only at the restaurant for about 5 minutes because i have been really sick. but i did it. i faced that fear and i overcame it. and i know it meant a lot to my dad to see me there.
the next fear is going back to the james. i have not been back into that hospital since the day i left my husband there. our final trip there i knew would end in me leaving without him. and i have not set foot in there since. that one is going to be a little more difficult. and in my own timing, i will do it. and i will overcome it. That will be Facing Fears Vol. 2
Anya, my heart goes out to you. it is so hard to face your fears without michael by your side. I had the priveledge of taking care of your husband, before you guys were married. I too have sadness that keeps me from doing some things. This time 2 year ago my son had open heart reconstruction. I have already cried once, twice, today because it is that time of year. Celebrating his birthday, but also everything that happened afterwards and in such a short time. I do not fear this time of year, i just sort of dread the fall now. It just brings back too many memories. As he gets older and the memories are more dull, there is definately less remembering all of the fine details, but still remembering what i need to keep close to my heart. I am so proud that you are working to move on, Michael would want that.
ReplyDeleteHi!
ReplyDeleteReally?? You took care of my Michael? Words can not describe how thankful I am to everyone who took such amazing care of him. So.... thank you :o) And thank you for sharing your heart with me. Life really gets put into perspective when things like this happen.... bless you and your family.
anya
Over the past year and a half, I've actually been putting myself in situations to face fears in my life (not necessarily related to my Mike, his illness, or his death). It's been somewhat of a good "practice" to do things that otherwise are fearful for me around Mike's death. I've joined a climbing gym to be around people suspended in the air when my body's reaction to that used to be immediate anxiety. Now, it's more commonplace for me and I've even climbed once. I've traveled without a set itinerary (NEVER would have done before) and it's all worked out better than I could have planned.
ReplyDeletePart of the frustration I have with facing fears related to being a surviving spouse, without Mike, are that I have so much anticipation about how tough it is going to be. What I've discovered is that the anticipation is always worse than the act - something Mike actually taught me years ago during his treatment. Since he's not here to remind me, I am trying to remind myself about that in his absence, when I start to get all ramped up about something I'm fearing.
I'm so glad that you were able to see your dad play, with Michael's photo nearby. That was a very important milestone in your life!