Coming out of the dark....

so with all the thoughts and feeling going through my head and all the changes in my life in past few weeks, I have desperately needed an outlet. Three weeks ago I was in the middle of training for a half marathon when I had to stop because of a knee injury. I had been training, almost daily, since June and was up to 7 miles when I hurt my knee. When you are running that much, a sudden stop feels like running full force into a brick wall. My mood changed, my attitude changed, I was exhausted, depressed and frustrated. I was disappointed in myself and knew I would be letting a lot of people down if I did not complete this marathon. 

After two weeks of being off of my knee it finally started feeling better. And then I got sick. Again, no running when you are sick. At this point I had gone 2.5 weeks without running at all. I can't even begin to tell you the mind games that go on in your head when you have trained so long, have SO much personal energy and determination vested in something and then BAM.... it's taken away from you for reasons beyond your control. I didn't ask for a knee injury, I didn't ask to get sick. I didn't ask to stop running. I couldn't. And I hated myself for it.

Like I have said in my previous blog, when you get to the very bottom there is nowhere to go but up. I have sat on my couch for the last week and a half, with a million other thoughts, feeling, emotions and 'situations' crashing around me. I have been discouraged, mentally and physically. And I have had nothing left in me to give. So I gave it to God. I have been praying more than ever in the past two weeks. Praying for my future, for my present, for my life. I have asked God to show me how I can make the changes in my life that I need to make to start over again. To find happiness and meaning again. Maybe it took me hurting my knee, getting sick, hating my job, losing my relationship and being more depressed than I have ever been to realize that I need God to help me out of this one. I can't do anything on my own strength, thats been proven now. I need Him and His strength and guidance. 

I ran 3 miles this morning. It's not 7 or 13 but it's a start. Will I be able to run 13.1 miles on October 19? I have no idea. But I can rest assured that I will give it my all, and continue to pray everyday for strength and direction to come out of this darkness....