The Mommy Wars

When I was pregnant with my first child I read all of the books, articles, online postings and ‘mommy blogs’ that I could get my hands on. Friends and family chimed in on every child-rearing topic imaginable. Will you breastfeed? Are you going to do kangaroo care? Will you spank? Will you stay at home or work? At times I like a fishermen caught in a raging river of advice and opinion. Somehow I managed to keep my head above water for the nine months of information overload. By the time I gave birth to my son I thought I knew exactly the type of mommy I would be.

Looking back I see it was such a naïve notion that parenting would be so black and white. As a new, expecting mother though, with so much influence surrounding me, I thought that these were set in stone decisions that my husband and I needed to make. I quickly realized that parenting wasn’t so much about a firm decision but rather a set of choices that we make everyday. I also realized what some of the hot topics were when it came to parenting and how strongly people feel about those topics. I noticed that other moms in particular were not afraid to voice their opinion and I often found myself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice.

Any kind of Internet search that has to do with parenting yields an endless amount of web sites, groups, discussion boards and “mommy” blogs that relate to parenting. “Mommy” blogs in particular are often categorized according to the parenting style of the author. Categories I’ve come across include; crunchy moms, working moms, stay-at-home moms, breast-feeding moms, holistic moms, thrifty moms, and classy moms. The list is endless. Although I respect and appreciate the diversity of parenting styles, I have recently realized how painfully judgmental, non-supportive and divided we have become as mothers. This was my first insight into what I now dub, “The Mommy Wars”.

With my first child I was able to filter out most of the negativity and opposing opinion and chalk it up to simple parenting differences. I navigated my way through motherhood and implemented decisions that were best for my family without much guilt or doubt in my ability. With the birth of my second child however, I suffered a substantial bout of postpartum depression that left me extremely susceptible to the negativity of others. It was not until then that I realized the weight that the mommy wars carry and the burdens they places on our already heavy shoulders.

I was extremely influenced by the words and actions of others and although most of my struggles and guilt were unfounded, the pain was real.

I found myself having to filter the things I read online, the mommy blogs that I searched and the advice I sought from those around me. For my own health as an individual and as a parent, I had to intentionally surround myself with those who would offer only support and encouragement.

We may not all agree on the hot topics of motherhood, but what would happen if we practiced a bit of sensitivity and discretion in our comments and actions toward one another? Moms should not have to tip-toe around each other or avoid seeking information on the Internet for fear of judgment.  How about coming together in support and encouragement of one another instead of furthering the ever-increasing divide that seems to be among us? We may not realize it, but our comments, actions and attitudes toward another mom can make or break her struggle to simply get through the day.

We already have one of the greatest challenges in the world when it comes to raising children. Despite all of the different types of child rearing, I truly believe as moms we can unite around one universal truth. We love our children and want what is not only best for them, but what is best for our family and for us as individuals. If we can begin to center ourselves on the simple concept of acceptance, we will inevitably build future generations of secure and confident mothers.