A long time coming....

This blog post has been in the making for quite a long time. I tend to stay away from "controversial" issues (politics, religion, ect.) because I know the fires they ignite and the issues they can create among people. This one though has impacted me personally, people I know and love, and our nation as a whole. I can't be silent any longer for fear of offending someone. Those I love most and even those I don't know deserve to have as many voices of support as they can get.

I never quite understood the importance of equal rights regarding gay marriages until the past few years. I often thought, it's a piece of paper, who cares? Two people, homosexual or heterosexual can easily live long, fulfilling relationships together regardless of marriage. I was brought up in a conservative, christian home and the issue of gay marriage was never discussed. I was always taught that you "save" yourself for marriage and once you were married you stay married forever. I didn't really even have an opinion about gay rights until it started effecting those around me.

I have quite a few gay friends, I've had gay clients at my salon, and I have gay family. I know several women who have (unknowingly) married gay men and I have seen the hurt, betrayal and sadness this causes to all parties once the lie has been exposed. I know a girl who "saved" herself for marriage, married a man from her church and expected to live the fairytale life, only to to told by her husband six months into their marriage that he was gay and just didn't know how to deal with it. She knew something was wrong from the start. They were almost never intimate, he would stay up into the morning hours, sometimes not coming to bed until 3, 4, 5 am. After months of failed marriage counseling at their church, she decided she needed to find out what was going on. She found everything on his computer that exposed his indiscretions and "outed" him without her even needing to ask. But she did ask, and what he revealed was so disheartening. He admitted to everything. He had been brought up in such a strictly conservative family that he knew that being true to himself and living the life that was naturally desirable to him would mean losing the love and support of his family forever.

My heart broke for this girl, but also for her husband. Imagine living your entire life in a lie that you felt you could never escape. Imagine how lonely that must feel to know that the love of your family was conditional. Marrying her was wrong, because he destroyed her fairytale, but I can not fathom walking a day in his shoes and knowing that he has to live every day of his life being someone that he's not. They divorced, and even after all of his confessions to her, he re-married several years later. To a woman.

I have grown-up with gay friends, some came out earlier than others, but I have had gay people in my life for as long as I can remember. My best friend in high school, Ryan, came out to me just after we graduated. To me, he is reason enough to stand up for what I think is right and let my voice be heard. Ryan has been with me through the best and the worst of life, and he deserves to have the best in his life.

Four days before my husband died was our 6 month wedding anniversary. Ryan made sure we celebrated, knowing that that was going to be the only anniversary we would ever get to celebrate. He made a four-course meal, brought in "flameless" candles, fake flowers (no real flowers are allowed on the Oncology unit), a white table cloth that covered the hospital room side table, and sparkling wine. I don't know if he will ever know how much that meant to me, but to this day it brings tears to my eyes to know that Michael and I were able to celebrate our anniversary before he died. Ryan got it and he made it happen. He understood. He was by my side holding my hand the day my husband died and he slept on my couch that night so I wouldn't have to wake up alone. He even helped me shop for something to wear for the funeral. He never left me during the most difficult moments of my life, and more than so many others I know, Ryan gets what it means to love.

I read an article about gay marriage the other day and it finally dawned on me that it is so much more than just a piece of paper. When Michael got sick, thank God he had his own insurance, but what if he hadn't? What if we were "life partners" and he wasn't protected under my insurance, or I wasn't protected under his? When all was said and done, Michael's medical bills were just under a million dollars. His funeral was $11,000. Benefits and rights such as medical insurance, life insurance and so much more never crossed my mind until I educated myself on the issue. Think of all the things two heterosexuals can benefit from for being married, and then imagine how it must feel to be denied those rights.

I think as a society, we don't look at the big picture. What this all boils down to is love, respect and human decency. It doest matter what we think, or what we would do, or who we think is judging all of this from above. Not everyone in this life is lucky enough to find a love that is so fulfilling that your soul aches when you aren't around that person, or your heart pounds out of your chest when you see them, or more important than any of that, your commitment to them surpasses any other loyalty you have to anything else in this entire world. Why would we want to deny that to anyone? Isn't that basic human nature and need? To love and be loved? Why then, are judging and denying that in which we all seek?

Simply said, I support gay rights and I support gay marriage. I know others disagree, in fact I'm sure I will hear about this from certain friends and family, and I may even lose some support because I've spoke up. But to me, it's worth it. If one life is saved from suicide, because that gay individual feels loved and supported, it's worth it. If one girls heart can be saved from a deceitful marriage, because a gay man feels he can live his life in truth, it's worth it. And if a gay couple can have the security that they will be taken care of in the event of tragedy, then it's worth it.