If the fates allow….

The holiday season is probably one of the most bittersweet times of year for those who have lost someone they love. I often find myself overwhelmed with emotions of love, gratitude and hope; and every year a bit of sadness as well. As families begin to gather for the season, my heart is heavy for the pain and emptiness that I know some people are going through this year. While grief does ease over time, it never really goes away. For those of us who have experienced loss, the holidays are often a time of undeniable loneliness and remembrance.

It's usually the beginning of the Christmas season that is the hardest for me. I have been incredibly blessed with the gifts God has given me in the past 8 years since my late husband Michael died. It gives me such an indescribable feeling of joy to spend evenings with my husband, Robert, and our two beautiful children as we begin to build a lifetime of memories and traditions together. I sometimes just sit in the glow of our Christmas lights though and find myself overwhelmed with sadness for my Michael. I feel sad in that Michael is missing out on the magical memories and life moments that I get to live every day. Some may call that survivors guilt, but to me it's just another example of how grief can sneak into our lives when we least expect it, no matter how long our loved one has been gone.

The song, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" came on the radio recently and as I listened to the lyrics I heard them like I never had before...

"Through the years, we all will be together, if the fates allow."

I remember the first Christmas Michael and I shared as a married couple. Michael had been given his terminal cancer diagnosis at that point. We had just finished setting up our Christmas tree and were laying on the couch in the glow of the soft lights. Putting up the tree had taken a lot out of Michael and he quickly fell asleep. I laid in his arms that night with tears in my eyes knowing that that would most likely be our first and last Christmas together.

After hearing the words of this song and and re-living the memory of that bittersweet night 8 years ago, my heart was so heavy for the people I know and love who are missing someone they love this season. Whether it's a spouse, a child, a parent, a grandparent,  or a friend... "Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow" is a painful reminder that for some of us, the fates did not allow us to all be together.

I think it's in moments like these, moments of my deepest, most honest pain, that I am immediately filled with overwhelming gratitude for the blessings I've had in my life since losing Michael. While allowing myself to feel and grieve and hurt are a very important and natural part of the ongoing healing process, I also find it deeply therapeutic to step back and look at the hope I have found and the many blessings God has given me over the last several years.

If you are having a difficult time this season and are missing a loved one, know that you are not alone. God puts people in our lives for a reason; people who will build us up, encourage us and offer us hope. As difficult as it may may be, allow someone into your life and let them give you the hope they have found. And if you have lived through the pain of losing someone, be a support to someone else who may be going through the same thing.

We all need each other. We need love and hope. I can tell you first hand that I am blessed. I can tell you that it does get better. I can tell you that God can and will restore your life and your heart.

This season, let love in. That's the greatest gift any of us can give or receive.