The bigger plan

As it often has for the past ten months or so, todays message at church was so deeply moving and so relevant to what is going on in my life, it was almost as if God was speaking directly to me. Rob and I got plugged into an amazing church here in town and ever since then, our relationship with the Lord, both individually and as a couple, has grown so much. As much as I want to say that I have listened to God and allowed Him to make the changes I know he is calling me to make, I would be lying. Its been a slow, steady, inward movement that has required reflection, time, failure and persistence. I finally feel though, that I have taken a step in the direction He has been leading me.

A few weeks ago I was heavily convicted of something I have struggled with for a long, long time. I was questioning myself about the direction my life was heading and where I wanted to go. The changes  in my heart and where my priorities lie have been revealed to me in so many ways over the past few years. I wanted so badly to follow a new calling and take the leap of faith I felt God was leading me to take, but I could not let go of the control I have so desperately held onto for the last few years. It was in a quiet time of reflection and prayer a few weeks ago that I realized... I didn't trust God. I wasn't willing to give up my plan and what, in my mind, was safe and secure. I started asking God to reveal to me why I wasn't willing to listen to and trust Him. What He revealed to me was painful and not easy to face, but it was the revelation of truth that I needed to see in order to move forward. 

Six years ago when my husband died, I immediately went into survival mode. Whether it was a defense mechanism or my way of coping, I took the position of, "I don't need anyone or anything to help me get through this." I moved far away from my friends and family, I lived on my own, I got a good paying job and vowed that I would only rely on myself and my plan to get me through life. Looking back now I realize that I was so hurt and upset and angry that God didn't "take care of me" and save my husband, that I simply stopped trusting Him. At that point in my life the questions I had for God , the pain I felt within myself, some of the decisions I had made and the way I had handled my grief were more than I could face. So I didn't. I developed a plan for my life and built a wall around a part of my heart that I wouldn't let anyone break down. 

It wasn't until Rob and I got married and started a family that I began to see that maybe there was a bigger plan than my plan. My plan did not include getting married and having kids. My plan included a career and making enough money so that I wouldn't have to rely on anyone but me. I never realized though, how much my life and my heart would change when I met Rob, and then again when I became a mother. In the past three years I feel like I have finally found my place in life. I was made to be a wife and a mom. There is nothing in this earthly world more important to me than my family. There is nothing I want to invest my time and energy in to more than them. I want my children to grow up feeling they have a safe haven in me, in this family, in our home, and in God. I want them to feel loved and nurtured, accepted and secure. I want to create a house that is warm and welcoming so that everyone who enters knows that are covered in grace and love. I want a marriage that is built on such a strong foundation that we both know that nothing will ever, ever knock us down. I want my husband to know that I am always by his side, being his biggest supporter and his best friend. 

I also know that I have been given a gift from God and I need to use it. Writing is something I did to deal with the illness and death of my late husband and something I have since used as a means of creative expression and release. I know that there is a reason I have been given this gift, and know that God is calling me to use it for a higher purpose. 

That being said, after months of prayer, conversation with my husband and a lot of soul searching, I have decided to focus on my family and my writing. I am not going to continue with the RN program at this time. I was so stressed and so unhappy and was not giving my all to what is really important in my life. Nursing was my "safe" route and I feel at this point I need to just take a GIANT leap of faith and trust in Gods plan, not my plan. I am trusting that God will take of our family. I am completely supported in this decision by my husband and although it's scary to let go of my control, I know it's the right decision. My family deserves the best of me and in order to give them that, I need to be true to myself. I have been accepted to the School of Communications at Ohio University and will be taking classes toward a bachelors degree in Communication Studies with a focus in written communication. 

This really is a huge leap of faith for me and one that I will be continually in prayer about. I can not thank my husband enough for being my biggest supporter and encourager. He has done such an amazing job leading this family and he is so good at trusting in God's plan and will for our lives. I look up to him in so many ways and thank God every day for sending such a good man into my life. I am so excited about this change and am looking forward to pursuing the desires of my heart.