A Beautiful Disaster

Back in 2007 when I started this blog, the title then, "A Beautiful Disaster" came to me without much thought at all. It pretty much summed up where I was in life at the time and was largely inspired by the lyrics of the song, "Beautiful Disaster", by Kelly Clarkson. 

"And if I could hold on

through the tears and the laughter

will it be beautiful

or just a beautiful disaster"

The only way I knew how to deal with and process what was going on in my life at the time was to write. It was my only outlet and the only way I felt truly safe expressing my thoughts and fears, hopes and dreams. It was the only way I knew how to boldly and honestly share my story. I had no idea how my story would end when I started this blog, but I should have known there would be no real "ending", for every good story always leaves room in the end "to be continued..."

Over the last several months I have felt strongly convicted and compelled to return to my original story. My life, while so much more blessed than many, has been no easy road. The trials I have seen, the sorrow I have dealt with, and the unknown I have faced have all shaped me into the woman I have become today. And while most of my life has been an open book, there are chapters I have kept so far hidden; tucked away out of fear or shame or simply out of a desire to be accepted and not judged. There have been mistakes made, lessons learned, journeys traveled and such amazing joys found that I know I have to get it out there and inspire others. I have to share that that although life can feel like such an overwhelming disaster at times, it is so, so inspiring if you can come out of it and see it as a beautifully written story. A story that we have an opportunity to write everyday, each page being a part of our continual journey.  

To give a bit of background and open this story up with honesty and sincerity, I have to say that there are three major events in my life that have sincerely influenced the person I have become today. As we continually learn and grow while writing our story, there are things that happen in the early chapters of our lives that undeniably shape and mold the character we become. The first defining and soul shaping event in my life that I can remember was the death of my father. I was young, and although I didn't know it at the time, his death would effect me for the rest of my life. My dad committed suicide. I don't know a lot of the details that led to his death and honestly I don't know a lot about him as a person, but the simple fact that at 29 years-old he could no longer find the joy and light that would bring him out of his own darkness deeply impacted both my passion for life and my empathy for those like him. I have never really shared how this effected me mentally, but all I can remember thinking growing up was, "I refuse to end up like him". It wasn't until years later that I would truly understand the torment he had gone through in his own mind and would eventually find myself in his shoes.  

For years and years I was the energetic, outgoing, bubbly personality that loved life and took everything in stride. I was sincere and honest and did genuinely love life, but there was a part of me inside that was terrified of allowing myself to feel pain or hurt or anger. If any of those feelings crept up or I ever started felling depressed I would push it down and cover it up out of fear of ending up "like him". 

That front lasted well into young adulthood and got me through the next painful experience in my life. This is a chapter I have kept closed for many and have not been willing to share out of fear of judgement. I know that the way things ended in this part of my story were not entirely my doing, but I did play a role in, and now take responsibility for my part in the end of my first marriage. We met quickly and married young and were both naive about life and love, respect and honesty. Without going into too much detail, out of respect for his privacy, I will simply say that that our marriage ended as a result of the desires he had and acted upon outside the boundaries of our marriage. I knew what was going on, but I was so lonely and confused and isolated from his love that I simply gave up on us. I knew I could not fight the path he had chosen and I filed for a dissolution of marriage. Again, very few people know this story in its entirety and I find it necessary to keep it that way. This was a very difficult time in my life but I think the pain I felt and the lessons I learned were simply preparing me for the next chapter I would face. 

As most of you know, the next part of my story is where this blog began. This is where the character of who I am today was truly shaped, genuinely stripped down and I learned to be openly exposed. My second marriage to my high school love and the cancer battle we faced throughout our entire relationship and marriage, helped me shed my lifelong facade of strength and stubborn independence. I was finally at a point in my life that my mask of "I can handle this on my own" could no longer hide the times of deep despair and fear of the unknown that I was facing. I started this blog because I knew I needed to be vulnerable and reach out to God and the people that had been placed in my life, but I simply did not know how. For as long as I could remember I didn't allow myself to hurt, to grieve or to be angry and I had no idea how to express those emotions other than to hide behind the words I typed on a page. The things I wrote were pure and honest and genuine and for the first time in my life I felt like I had found my place. I had a story to write. 

That story didn't end with the death of my husband, but a lot of my writing did. I once again fell into a fear of being exposed and vulnerable. I desperately wanted to be the strong fighter who could overcome anything. Many of my actions after my husbands death were done to "prove" I would be ok. I don't know if I was trying to prove it to myself or prove it to others. I know a lot of the things I did caused pain and were hard for those on the outside to understand, but looking back I did what I did to survive. I handled his death the only way I knew how to at the time, and shutting myself off from everything and everyone I knew and loved protected me and my heart. I will never forget the night that I hit rock bottom, though. This is one page of my story that I have never shared with anyone. I found myself in the same mental state of mind that my dad had been in. I couldn't handle the pain any longer and simply couldn't find my way out of the darkness. Through the tears I could barely see where I was driving, but I knew that all I was looking for was a big enough tree to end it all. If I made it look like an "accident", I thought, no one could blame me. I was desperate to end the pain and for the first time in my life, I understood where my father had been. I understood why he wanted to leave this earth, because I felt the exact same way. 

I don't know what saved me that night other than the grace of God. That was a turning point for me on the road to a long and painful healing journey. Things didn't improve overnight and battles in my mind raged on for years, and at times, still do. The story that has been written throughout the course of my life needs to be shared. There are others who have been through the same, and even more, that need to know there is light after the darkness. One bad chapter, or several, do not have to end our story. My story, while still being written, has continued on a beautiful path and I have been blessed with an unimaginable life of love and happiness. Everything I have been through has given me hope, perspective and a desire to share light and love with others. 

I wrote this blog this morning for several reasons. I am going back to what this blog was originally titled, "Beautiful Disaster". Because that's what this story is, a beautiful disaster. My hope and prayer is that through my writing, and through allowing myself to once again be open and honest and genuine, that this story can forever change or save a life. This is a calling that I need to follow. One God has put on my heart and in my mind. I would love for you, or anyone you know to walk this journey with me and explore all the beauty that life has to offer. Your story is beautiful, don't let it have an ending. Give it a "to be continued...".