"Through the years, we all will be together..."

The Christmas season is probably one of the most bittersweet times of year for those who have lost someone they love. I often find myself overwhelmed with emotions of love, gratitude, hope, and every year, a bit of sadness. As families start to gather for the season, my heart is heavy for the pain and emptiness that I know some people are going through. While grief does lessen a bit throughout the years, it never really goes away. Even in a season of joy, we can often find ourselves in a place of undeniable sadness, facing painful memories of those who are no longer with us.

It's usually the beginning of the Christmas season that is the hardest for me. This year my grief set in as I sat alone in the soft glow of our tree lights with Christmas music playing in the background. My thoughts turned to how incredibly blessed I am and how much God has given to me and restored in me over the past five years. I sat reminiscing of the magical evening I had just had in setting up our tree with my husband and our 19-month old son. I was overwhelmed with the emotions of the season. It had given me such an incredible feeling of family, togetherness and and joy in the sense that I knew we were actively building tradition and memories that will last us a lifetime. That night my grief came to me in a way it never really had before. I was suddenly so sad for my Michael in that he is missing out on the magical memories and life moments that I get to live everyday. Some may call that survivors guilt, but call it what you may, it's just another example of how grief can sneak into our lives no matter how long someone has been gone.

The song, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" came on and as I listened to the words, I heard them like I never had before...

"Through the years, we all will be together, if the fates allow."

I remember the first Christmas Michael and I shared as a married couple. Michael had been given his "terminal" cancer diagnosis at that point. We had just shared the same magical evening of setting up our tree and were laying on the couch in the glow of the Christmas lights. Setting up the tree had taken a lot out of Michael and he quickly fell asleep. He never knew this but I laid in his arms that night with tears in my eyes knowing that that would most likely be our first and last Christmas together. To this day, the memory of the way I felt that night still brings tears to my eyes.

After hearing the words of this song and and reliving the memory of that bittersweet night five years ago, my heart was so heavy for the people I know and love who are missing someone and going through the same thing this very season. Whether it's a spouse, a child, a parent, a grandparent,  or a friend... "Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow" is a painful reminder that for some of us, the fates did not allow us to all be together and the pain of missing that loved one becomes ever so real once again.

I think it's in the moments of my deepest, most honest pain that I am immediately filled with overwhelming gratitude for the blessings that have come to me in the years since facing such a profound tragedy. While allowing myself to feel and grieve and hurt are a very important and natural part of the ongoing healing process, I also find it deeply moving to step back and look at the hope I have found and the many blessings God has given me. We were reminded in church this past week that faith without action is dead. While it is sometimes still extremely difficult for me to relive the pain of what I have been through, I have a story to tell and faith to share. I feel very strongly that it is not only my obligation to share the hope and joy I have found in Christ, but a sincere desire. It pains me so much to see others hurt, and if sharing my experience can help those who are suffering see that there is hope, that there is a brighter future, then it's the least I can do.

If you are having a difficult time this season and are missing a loved one, I feel your pain. My heart aches with yours and I completely understand the feeling of emptiness and sadness you may feel; not only for yourself, but for what you feel your loved ones are missing out on. My prayer this season is that you may experience so much love and support from those around you, that even the slightest fraction of your pain will be eased. God puts people in your life who build you up, encourage you and offer you hope. Seek out those people. Allow them into your heart and allow them to give you the hope they have found. And if you have lived through the pain of losing someone, be a support to someone else going through the same thing. We need each other and we need love and hope. I can tell you first hand, I am blessed. I can tell you first hand, it does get better. I can tell you first hand that God can and will restore your life and your heart. This season, let love in, that is the greatest gift any of us can give or receive.