It is well with my soul

"When peace like a river, attendeth my way

when sorrows like sea billows roll

whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say

it is well, it is well with my soul...."

I chose this song to be played at Michael's funeral because the words have always spoken volumes to me. They have brought me comfort in times of unrelenting pain, and have reminded me that no matter what is cast my way, I am taught to say, that it is well. But what has happened over the last year and nine months since my Michael left? What happened to my faith? What happened to me saying that no matter what I face in life, I will be ok? I failed to realize the importance and significance of the rest of the song and the promise that it holds.... In the process, I lost myself and lost the concept that I am human, and I too will fail and be in desperate need of grace and honesty.

I have been painfully reminded in the last month how desperate and empty I am. I have not been in a darker place than I have been this past month. I didn't think I was. I thought I was doing well. When you are constantly told how strong and brave you are, you begin to believe it, even when you know deep inside you that your not. It's a facade. It's a smile that hides the longing to uncontrollably weep. Its the the daily activities you throw yourself into that hide your desire to stay in bed forever. Its jumping from relationship to relationship just so you can't feel the pain of being alone. The feelings and emotions are not a lie, you can truly be in love and genuinely want and desire the love and acceptance of another. Thats how my relationships were. They were real and not in vain. I loved with all of me and gave everything I had. But when that relationship defines your happiness and your existence, you begin to unravel. You begin conforming who you are and what you want to be, just to feel like you are somebody. Thats when you begin to lose yourself. You become this person that people expect you to be, and you desperately try to conform to someone's liking out of the desperation and fear of being alone. There is no greater fear as a widow than being left forever. A fear of never finding that person again who makes you whole. Regardless of fate or destiny or chance, the mere fact is is you were left to fight this fight alone. There is no one that is going to take away the pain, there is no thing that is going to replace the pain, and no matter how hard you try to cover the pain, it somehow comes back. 

Every time the pain comes back though, it brings with it a new demon. It surfaces insecurities you never knew you had.  This is what I have been experiencing. It makes you question the person you are. It makes you question your purpose; your reason for being the one who is still here.  When you lose sight of your reason, and your facade of strength and purpose are torn down by someone, the scars and deep wounds of your entire life are exposed. Sometimes wounds you never knew you had.

My life has not been easy. At the age of 8 my biological father killed himself. When you are 8 years old this doesn't really mean anything other than simple childlike sadness and one less card on your birthday. You cannot fathom the depth of pain and heartache this will cause in your life. As you grow older you slowly understand more. But until you go through a major life changing and heart breaking trail, you can't fully sympathize. Let alone empathize. I have always made it a point to be the outgoing, loud, "life of the party" type of girl. For as long as I can remember I have been "afraid" to be sad. I have been "afraid" to be the quiet one. I have been "afraid" to share the vulnerable side of my personality with others. Why? Because for so long I was ashamed of my father and the social stigma he had attached to him. I didn't want people to look at me and say, "Wow. I hope she doesn't end up like him". Suicide is an awful, awful selfish act. It is cowardly and manipulative and an act of desperation. And until recently, I could never understand how someone could do such a thing.

There are times in our life that we are redefined as humans. There are milestones or events that cause us to change our person, some of these events are significant, some are not. It's what we take of these events and what we make of them that not only define our character, but reshape our character. It's an unexplainably scary position to be in when you realize the person you have become is part real, part facade. It scared the hell out of me recently to discover that I actually empathized with my father. I got to a point where I was so low that I actually understood why he did what he did. Having the ability to be that honest with myself has been a great struggle in my life. I like the person I am, I know what I want out of life. But there is also a side of me that I have not explored and have not dug deep into. Why? For fear of what I may find. I know it's not going to be pretty and bringing it out is going to be painful. Very painful. And for the last 28 years, I have been afraid of pain.

I was reminded tonight however, that regardless of what I may find, what insecurities or fears I  will face on this new journey, I am covered by grace. Although I may feel alone, I am never truly alone. My God has brought me this far, and he will continue to bring me through and out of this darkness. Its time to shed the skin though and reveal the flesh. The wounds may be out in the open, but how am I ever to heal if I keep covering them up? I don't need the approval of others, because I know who I am, the good and the bad. I know that my imperfections are covered by grace and I am loved regardless by the one and only person I need to be loved by. Like the end of the song says, 

"My sin not in part, but the whole. 

Are nailed to the cross and I bear it no more...". 

It's not just the surface that is going to be shed through this transition, but the whole. And when I come out of this, I will bear it no more.