I have come to a point in my "journey" where I am completely at a loss and feel I have to choice but to just give up. That may sound strange and may sound like a defeating statement, but let me explain.
While I was living in Phoenix, I never watched TV. I never read the newspaper. I never read Yahoo! news. I did nothing to expose myself to anything negative. I tried my hardest to surround myself with nothing but positive energy and good news. In doing this, I think I did myself both an honor and a disservice. I focused on all of the good things in life, and allowed myself to deal only with the personal pain and trauma I had been through over the past year. I'm realizing lately, however, that by avoiding the "reality" of my outside world, I also did not allow myself the chance to learn how to cope with other tragedy. In healing myself, I sheltered myself. At the time, I'm sure it's what I needed. It was best for me to deal with my pain and loss before I faced that of the outside world.
I'm realizing now that fear of "tragedy" is becoming invasive in my everyday experiences. I have always talked about living life to the fullest, about taking risks and measuring your life in love. But what happens when you are presented with the opportunity to love, to reach out to someone, no matter what kind of situation it may be, and you are too gripped by fear to take that chance? I'm terrified to love for fear that I might lose.
Yesterday I read the newspaper for the first time in years. I started on the front page and read the entire section. In that section I read about two teenagers killed in a car accident, a man who was arrested at the site of his sons car crash for punching a police officer to try to get to his dying son, a father who cheated on his wife with a Canadian stripper, then killed his wife and kids "for her", and on the last page were the obituaries. Now, in saying that, I'm sure I could have gone on to other sections and found something good, but I was so mentally exhausted at that point I didn't want to go any further. I was in a funk all day. It really depressed me and my focus that day was on tragedy.
I think the icing on the cake was watching my favorite show tonight, Grey's Anatomy. I was super pumped, had the evening all planned with my mom. It was going to be fun. But from the moment it started, I had this knot in my stomach. I was watching fake people, on a fake show, with fake injuries and a fake story line. But to me the tragedy and the pain these characters were going through was real and too much for me to handle. I wanted to burst into tears. How weird is that? It was a TV show!
So what I am realizing now is that I have no choice but to give up. I am afraid. I am being held captive by fear and fear of tragedy. And by giving up, I mean that I have to now make a valiant effort to try to learn how to let go of that fear, and allow my faith in God to take over. God has proven to me, time and time again, that even through tragedy, He is right there beside me. He will never let me go, He will never give me more than I can handle. But again, it's easy to remember that, easy to say that, easy to type that, but takes effort and choice to live that. So that's where I am. Making an effort to go to God and "give up" my fear, and accept that He will provide protection and teach me to love without fear. No matter what is going on in the world around me.
While I was living in Phoenix, I never watched TV. I never read the newspaper. I never read Yahoo! news. I did nothing to expose myself to anything negative. I tried my hardest to surround myself with nothing but positive energy and good news. In doing this, I think I did myself both an honor and a disservice. I focused on all of the good things in life, and allowed myself to deal only with the personal pain and trauma I had been through over the past year. I'm realizing lately, however, that by avoiding the "reality" of my outside world, I also did not allow myself the chance to learn how to cope with other tragedy. In healing myself, I sheltered myself. At the time, I'm sure it's what I needed. It was best for me to deal with my pain and loss before I faced that of the outside world.
I'm realizing now that fear of "tragedy" is becoming invasive in my everyday experiences. I have always talked about living life to the fullest, about taking risks and measuring your life in love. But what happens when you are presented with the opportunity to love, to reach out to someone, no matter what kind of situation it may be, and you are too gripped by fear to take that chance? I'm terrified to love for fear that I might lose.
Yesterday I read the newspaper for the first time in years. I started on the front page and read the entire section. In that section I read about two teenagers killed in a car accident, a man who was arrested at the site of his sons car crash for punching a police officer to try to get to his dying son, a father who cheated on his wife with a Canadian stripper, then killed his wife and kids "for her", and on the last page were the obituaries. Now, in saying that, I'm sure I could have gone on to other sections and found something good, but I was so mentally exhausted at that point I didn't want to go any further. I was in a funk all day. It really depressed me and my focus that day was on tragedy.
I think the icing on the cake was watching my favorite show tonight, Grey's Anatomy. I was super pumped, had the evening all planned with my mom. It was going to be fun. But from the moment it started, I had this knot in my stomach. I was watching fake people, on a fake show, with fake injuries and a fake story line. But to me the tragedy and the pain these characters were going through was real and too much for me to handle. I wanted to burst into tears. How weird is that? It was a TV show!
So what I am realizing now is that I have no choice but to give up. I am afraid. I am being held captive by fear and fear of tragedy. And by giving up, I mean that I have to now make a valiant effort to try to learn how to let go of that fear, and allow my faith in God to take over. God has proven to me, time and time again, that even through tragedy, He is right there beside me. He will never let me go, He will never give me more than I can handle. But again, it's easy to remember that, easy to say that, easy to type that, but takes effort and choice to live that. So that's where I am. Making an effort to go to God and "give up" my fear, and accept that He will provide protection and teach me to love without fear. No matter what is going on in the world around me.
It may be time to change the name of your blog. You should delete "disaster".
ReplyDeleteIf you choose to love again you will not lose. You did not lose last time, even though you suffered such a terrible loss.
Because of the road your life has taken, you have grace and insight (and someday peace - trust me on that) that most of us cannot believe is possible.