Week Three of GriefShare:
What thoughts most often disturb your peace? What can you do about this?
I have had a very hard time lately with the thoughts of the last few weeks of Michaels life. The thing he had to go through, and the pain he was in....sometimes the thought is just too much for me to handle. I can be in the middle of the day, going about my business and something will trigger one of the painful memories. I call the "painful memories" the ones that I think of when I think of what my husband went through at the end. I wonder if he knew he was dying. I wonder if he was embarrased because he lost control of bodily function? I hate the thought of the time he spent in the hospital. He was in so much pain. And when they were finally able to control the pain (somewhat), it made him delirious and confused. It made him hulucinate (sp?) and think that people were after him. It was horrible. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through. That is the thought that most often disturbs my peace. I wonder if I could have done something to help him more. In hinesight you always wonder if you could have/ should have. Sometimes the reality and finality are overwhelming. I miss him so much and yet there was nothing any of us could have done to keep him here. Sometimes that thought makes me very angry. It makes me angry that God took him away from me. It makes me angry that he went through hell before he died. All of those are tough thoughts. Really tough. And really painful. There are good days and bad days...
What can I do about this? I honestly don't know. I don't know how to get rid of the painful memories. I wish I could close my eyes at night and not see him laying in that bed, hooked up to all those machines. I wish I couldn't hear the fear in his voice the last few days of his life. I try to remember the good times. I try to remember his goofy laugh or his corny jokes. I try to remember when he would lay on the couch with Chauncey and watch football in his boxers. Right now thats all I can do....try to attack the painful memories with good ones. And wait.
What thoughts most often disturb your peace? What can you do about this?
I have had a very hard time lately with the thoughts of the last few weeks of Michaels life. The thing he had to go through, and the pain he was in....sometimes the thought is just too much for me to handle. I can be in the middle of the day, going about my business and something will trigger one of the painful memories. I call the "painful memories" the ones that I think of when I think of what my husband went through at the end. I wonder if he knew he was dying. I wonder if he was embarrased because he lost control of bodily function? I hate the thought of the time he spent in the hospital. He was in so much pain. And when they were finally able to control the pain (somewhat), it made him delirious and confused. It made him hulucinate (sp?) and think that people were after him. It was horrible. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through. That is the thought that most often disturbs my peace. I wonder if I could have done something to help him more. In hinesight you always wonder if you could have/ should have. Sometimes the reality and finality are overwhelming. I miss him so much and yet there was nothing any of us could have done to keep him here. Sometimes that thought makes me very angry. It makes me angry that God took him away from me. It makes me angry that he went through hell before he died. All of those are tough thoughts. Really tough. And really painful. There are good days and bad days...
What can I do about this? I honestly don't know. I don't know how to get rid of the painful memories. I wish I could close my eyes at night and not see him laying in that bed, hooked up to all those machines. I wish I couldn't hear the fear in his voice the last few days of his life. I try to remember the good times. I try to remember his goofy laugh or his corny jokes. I try to remember when he would lay on the couch with Chauncey and watch football in his boxers. Right now thats all I can do....try to attack the painful memories with good ones. And wait.
Anya, it's good to have you back. I've been waiting and praying for you. I know God will see you through this extremely difficult and painful time and will give you beauty from ashes. Please continue to write. We miss you when you're gone.
ReplyDeleteDear, sweet, Anya,
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the right thing, I think, writing this way. It probably makes you think about things, makes you process them... Assume that's hard now but better than keeping them in a lockbox...? Does it seem to be helping yet? Or maybe that'll come later.
Wish you were here nearby... like right in the neighborhood! :) On the same street, preferably. You'd find me at your door a lot.
Keep writing from the heart, girl. Just take it one day at a time and allow your feelings to ebb and flow... That's what someone told me, and it's helped, just to have permission to do that.
(You know, sometime you should include a Michael story here... an anecdote or memory, like your first date, or a time when you laughed yourselves silly, etc. I met Michael and thought he was great -- I'd love to hear stories if you want to share them. Good ones or tough ones - Up to you.)
I go for long intervals without getting on the computer now (for some reason) but I'll look forward to reading more of your blog when I do.
God's peace, and a warm, warm hug,
Andrea