watching you
My darling husband,
It's so hard for me to watch you sometimes. Night time is a particular evil. After the comotion of the day dies down, I'm done cleaning, cooking and making sure you have had your meds....the friends and family leave.... I am alone here. With you and your disease. Sometimes I just find myself studying you. Watching how you breathe, the way you move, the expression of pain on your face. I watch to notice any changes, and I see them. I see your breath becoming more shallow. I see you take deep breaths...and exhale quickly. This is new. It scares me. You have been sweating more. Sweating when you are doing nothing. I wonder if this is good or bad? Is your body getting rid of toxins, or are you losing oxygen?
I miss you already. With every breath you breath, I wonder how many more you have. I wonder what it will be like to sit beside someone and hold them as they die. What will you look like? What will your body do? Will you know I'm there? Will you be in pain or will you know and be at peace? Sometimes the way you touch me...the gentle way you stroke my hair...the kiss you give me on my forehead...I wonder what you are thinking? I know you will miss me. I know you will always be with me. But will you be angry with me, or jealous if I move on?
I hate watching this. It scares me. It scares me because no matter how much I see, how much I prepare.....I have no idea what is about to hit me.
It's so hard for me to watch you sometimes. Night time is a particular evil. After the comotion of the day dies down, I'm done cleaning, cooking and making sure you have had your meds....the friends and family leave.... I am alone here. With you and your disease. Sometimes I just find myself studying you. Watching how you breathe, the way you move, the expression of pain on your face. I watch to notice any changes, and I see them. I see your breath becoming more shallow. I see you take deep breaths...and exhale quickly. This is new. It scares me. You have been sweating more. Sweating when you are doing nothing. I wonder if this is good or bad? Is your body getting rid of toxins, or are you losing oxygen?
I miss you already. With every breath you breath, I wonder how many more you have. I wonder what it will be like to sit beside someone and hold them as they die. What will you look like? What will your body do? Will you know I'm there? Will you be in pain or will you know and be at peace? Sometimes the way you touch me...the gentle way you stroke my hair...the kiss you give me on my forehead...I wonder what you are thinking? I know you will miss me. I know you will always be with me. But will you be angry with me, or jealous if I move on?
I hate watching this. It scares me. It scares me because no matter how much I see, how much I prepare.....I have no idea what is about to hit me.
Oh, Anya, what beauteous love in words expressed. Sweet girl, your honesty and transparency are overwhelming - I believe it will help others, and I pray more importantly that it helps you as you walk this valley, to know how faithfully you have loved your Michael.
ReplyDelete