missing
There are so many thoughts going through my head tonight. The last three days have been a whirl. You gave us quite a scare thursday night, baby...and if that was a preview of whats to come...I'm scared. I have heard through many people that my honesty and willingness to share what we are going through has encouraged or in some way inspired people. Well, i'm about to get real honest. I'm scared. Really scared. And I'm sad. And I'm lonely.
The legal paperwoork we had to do today was heart wrenching. Who knew at 24 and 26, and 6 months into our marriage, we would be making plans, signing papers, and preparing for death. My heart broke as you told me your thoughts and feelings. You say you want to be burried, but only if I will be burried next to you. With tears in your eyes, I could hear your heart speaking directly to mine as you said to me...."I just don't want to be alone". My God. If you only knew, Michael, that with you you are taking my heart. You will never be alone my love...never. But in the same respect, my heart is torn. What if I move on? What if I get remarried and have a family. Will my future husband understand if I want to be burried next to the love of my life? Why are we having to make a decision like this? It's not fair. I don't know what to do? This is something I have to put into God's hands, because I don't know what else to do with it.
This sucks. I thought writing about it would help clear my mind. It didn't.
I love you so much, Michael. I love your family. Watching them over the last few days has been both a blessing and a curse. I can't help but be jealous watching your brothers and sister-in-laws planning thier lives, having babies...living. I sit and listen, watch and wonder what will happen to me when you go. I have never loved a family, other than my own, more than yours. I don't want to not be a part of them. They all tell me that I will always be a part of the family. But is that true? It makes me wonder. And it makes me sad...because if it's not true then I will not only lose you, but I will lose everything that is a part of you. I'm not ready for that.
Which brings me to my latest struggle. I miss you. I miss being intimate with you. I miss holding you, touching you, kissing you. I know we still have love, we will always have that. But I miss you. I miss the way you were so affectionate towards me. I miss the little ways you used to look at me. I need you so bad, Michael...just one more day with the old Michael. I would do anything for that. And the one thing we had that kept us physically close...has been too quickly taken away. I knew it was only a matter of time before transfering to our bed would just be too much for your body. Now you are in a medical bed, and I sleep alone. Alone. You're not even gone and yet I miss you so much.
How do I do this?
The legal paperwoork we had to do today was heart wrenching. Who knew at 24 and 26, and 6 months into our marriage, we would be making plans, signing papers, and preparing for death. My heart broke as you told me your thoughts and feelings. You say you want to be burried, but only if I will be burried next to you. With tears in your eyes, I could hear your heart speaking directly to mine as you said to me...."I just don't want to be alone". My God. If you only knew, Michael, that with you you are taking my heart. You will never be alone my love...never. But in the same respect, my heart is torn. What if I move on? What if I get remarried and have a family. Will my future husband understand if I want to be burried next to the love of my life? Why are we having to make a decision like this? It's not fair. I don't know what to do? This is something I have to put into God's hands, because I don't know what else to do with it.
This sucks. I thought writing about it would help clear my mind. It didn't.
I love you so much, Michael. I love your family. Watching them over the last few days has been both a blessing and a curse. I can't help but be jealous watching your brothers and sister-in-laws planning thier lives, having babies...living. I sit and listen, watch and wonder what will happen to me when you go. I have never loved a family, other than my own, more than yours. I don't want to not be a part of them. They all tell me that I will always be a part of the family. But is that true? It makes me wonder. And it makes me sad...because if it's not true then I will not only lose you, but I will lose everything that is a part of you. I'm not ready for that.
Which brings me to my latest struggle. I miss you. I miss being intimate with you. I miss holding you, touching you, kissing you. I know we still have love, we will always have that. But I miss you. I miss the way you were so affectionate towards me. I miss the little ways you used to look at me. I need you so bad, Michael...just one more day with the old Michael. I would do anything for that. And the one thing we had that kept us physically close...has been too quickly taken away. I knew it was only a matter of time before transfering to our bed would just be too much for your body. Now you are in a medical bed, and I sleep alone. Alone. You're not even gone and yet I miss you so much.
How do I do this?
What incredibly painful decisions you're dealing with, Anya. And the loneliness, too, and questions about the future... I don't know any easy answers, but I offer you our love. God hears our moans, our groaning, the aching of our hearts... That may not feel like enough now but when there aren't words it is something.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is with you,
Andrea
Hi, Anya.
ReplyDeleteI'm a friend of your parents. I'm praying for you and Mike.