Third Time Loser

I went on a cleaning spree tonight. I mean, a real frenzy! I swept, mopped, scrubbed, organized and so on. I cleaned out drawers, organized closets and even dropped tea tree oil on the carpet so when I vacuumed it would smell fresh and clean. I was nuts! And you know what happens when you clean for 3 1/2 hours strait...you have a LOT of time to think. "Cleaning out the closets" seemed an appropriate title for this blog. This has been on my mind for a while....

Something happened to me a year or so ago, a comment was made to me that I have never forgotten. It was said with a smile and a chuckle...meant to be a joke, and of course I laughed and responded accordingly....but inside it really made me THINK. That comment has stuck with me in the back of my mind to this day. For those of you who do not know, I was married once before Michael. (Hell, if I'm going to write a book, I may as well start opening the closets before someone else opens them for me). It was a short marriage, and out of respect for my ex-husband, I will not go into the details and reasons for our divorce. I will simply say I had no choice. I had to end the marriage. I have not told many people about this, so to some who find out, it comes as quite a surprise. For some reason, in this conversation I was having, I chose to share an experience I had had with my first husband. It was a group conversation, and when I said something about him, this person turned and looked at me and said...."You have been married twice?" To which I responded, "Yep"...she chuckled a little and then said....."So if you get married again you'll be a third time loser like me". Ouch.

It sucks when reality bites you in the ass, huh? She didn't mean it to be hurtful, she was simply making a "funny" statement. But the reality is....if I do indeed get married again, yes, it will be my third marriage. And I am 28 years old. Sometimes that really gets to me and I feel embarrassed. I think about it often. I think about how I want the excitement of a "first" romance, a "first" proposal", a "first" fairy tail wedding.... I know how important that is, and how special that is. Sometimes I let it get to me in a negative way, and I think to myself..."wow...I really am a third time loser". It's hard for me to think, "wow....I just met someone totally great and if he is uncomfortable with my past, he has every right to be...I just have to deal with it." If someone wants to experience a "first", I have to accept that it won't be with me. That's when I have to sit down and give myself a little pep talk

In my pep talks I have to tell myself...the "end" of my two marriages were not my fault. One was a reason I could not ignore, and one was death. I was an innocent party, a victim of unfortunate circumstances. I didn't choose those endings, they were handed to me. I would have easily taken "happily ever after". However... I have never once treated myself like a victim, and have never given up on what I want in life. When I have fallen, I have picked myself back up and started over again. It takes a little more faith now, but I know that I will get what I want....when the time is right.

A friend sent me a comment tonight that seemed so appropriate to this topic. She said, "Can't we just run away and start over? I don't like being an adult sometimes". I would love to "start over" sometimes. To wipe the slate clean and not have any baggage. My marriage to Michael was the most wonderful thing that has happened to me yet, THAT I would not trade for the world. But would it be nice to "start over"? Yes. It would be nice to be seen as the strong, confident, full of love woman that I am.....and not constantly worry if the other person is also thinking..."yeah, but she's a third time loser".

Tough one.