The first step I don't know how to take

Ever since I can remember, my family has been a part of a church. My dad used to lead worship, we would go to vacation bible school every summer, we'd be actively involved in church activities throughout the week. Much of my social upbringing was based on activities at the church. As I grew older, I of course developed a more meaningful relationship with God and in in addition to the social aspect of being a church "member", being a Christian became a deeper spiritual experience for me.

I remember a time in my early twenties that was having (what felt like at the time), an amazing walk in my spiritual journey. I was passionate about Christ, I felt at peace in my soul and I felt a genuine joy in being a christian. I loved serving on the worship team, I enjoyed helping with the youth classes and the happiness I felt deep within and the identity I had as a young christian woman felt solid.

As everyone does in their early twenties though, I was in the process of discovering who I was. I went through some heartbreaking relationships, some trivial, some not. One very devastating and surprising end to a significant relationship though, genuinely shook the foundation of my faith. This man had been someone I'd met in church, his family was christian and everything I thought our relationship was build on, a genuine love for each other and for Christ, was a lie. I got through that break up though and went on to marry my Michael.

In the early months of Michael and I dating, I was still very jaded and bitter about the way my previous relationship had ended. I didn't enjoy going to church. I saw it as fake and empty. I had a hard time trusting the people I met and constantly assumed they were using their faith to mask the same kind of private sinful life that had destroyed my relationship. I prayed through that, continued to attend church, and in time the judgement and bitterness in my heart began to soften and I let these new people into my life and into my heart. It took a good year or so but I was able to trust christians again and actually felt the joy that I had felt once before in being a christian. God was working on my heart and everyday my relationship with Christ grew stronger and stronger.

Leaning on God was the only thing I could do with Michael, though. There was nothing else I could turn to that gave me hope for his situation or that got me through the ugliest of the ugly days. I actively saw God work in Michaels life when he was diagnosed with cancer. I saw a change in Michael, and more impressively a change in his father that I knew only God could make happen. Watching this made more of an impression on my life than anything else ever had before. Throughout Michael's illness I saw the best in people. I saw what our friends in the church did for us, and I saw the love they had for us. It was those people and their actions in love that really got into my heart and helped me let go of the bitterness I had experienced in the years before. My heart had begun to mend and I once again felt at peace and comfortable as a Christian.

The last few months of Michael's life were when I actually felt the strongest in my walk with God. Daily I would pray asking for a miracle, asking God to save my husband. I can't tell you how many times I ended up in a ball on the floor just sobbing and pleading with God. As the days went on though and his illness became more invasive, my prayers began to change. I asked God to prepare me for what was happening and to ease Michael's suffering. I asked for a peace both within me and in my husband. I prayed that if it was God's will to take Michael, that he would do so sooner than later so that his suffering would end. I couldn't stand to see someone I love in that much pain.

The first few months after Michael died I was understandably lost and shaken. At first my prayers felt genuine and from my heart. When I cried out to God to help me get through that period in my life, I truly wanted His help. But as the weeks went on the pain began to become more than I wanted to deal with. I was angry that God didn't give me the miracle I wanted. I was angry that I felt God had betrayed me not once in a relationship, but twice. I started moving on to other things that "took away the pain" and tired filling the hole in my heart with worldly things. I made a lot of mistakes and looking back God really protected me from the things that I turned to to "ease to pain" of my loneliness and broken heart. I grew further and further from God and anytime I tried to go back, it was just too painful. Going to church, listening to worship music, even praying... they all hurt too much and eventually I stopped doing them all.

And this is where I find myself today. Since meeting Rob three years ago I have been immeasurably blessed. I am so happy with my life right now and I have certainly come a long way in the past 5 years since Michael's death. I know I have been given a new life and I have so much love for my husband and my son and so much to be thankful for. In my heart though, I know there is more....

I have felt the desire in me to get my relationship with Christ back, but I feel so lost as where to start. It really hit me the other day when I heard someone say that they tucked their little one into bed, prayed for them, and kissed them goodnight. It occurred to me at that point that my son is 15 months old and I have never prayed for him (other than the occasional prayer for him to stop crying). It hurt my heart so badly when I realized that, and the flood of emotions about where I have been in my spiritual walk in the past 5 years came rushing back. I realized that on several occasions I have felt the gentle nudge in my heart to come back to God, but I have so many emotions that are stopping me from doing that. The few times I have been back to church have been very difficult for me. I either feel bitterness or judgment or pain. A deep, deep pain that I can't really describe, and certainly don't want to face. It hurts to be at church more than it feels good, and on the rare occasion that I do pray, my prayers feel empty. I come up with any excuse not to go to church, and I feel like I have convinced myself that my prayers don't work. I know my heart is not in the right place, but the desire for it to be back in the right place is there... I'm just not sure what the first step is to overcome that....