"I thought I knew, until I became a mommy"

For the past month or so, since leaving school and becoming a full-time mommy and wife, I feel like I have gained so much insight into the person I want to be and the kind of life I want to lead. Trying to figure this out has always been a struggle for me. I left high school not knowing what I wanted to do, and eventually I went from college to cosmetology to nursing. While I love something about each of those things, none of them have given me the kind of satisfaction and contentment that I have experienced over the past month.

Going back to nursing school after Ben was born was very hard for me. Ben was 5 months old and although he only needed daycare two days a week, it broke my heart leaving him. I toughed it out of course, knowing that I was certainly not the only mom that had to rely on childcare. I remember one morning in particular though when we entered the daycare; another boy was just sobbing and sobbing for his mommy. Ben watched him for a minute, turned and looked up at me and let out the loudest scream I had ever heard from him. He cried and cried and I took him in my arms and I cried too. In fact, I cried the rest of the day.

I got through that quarter and started into the next. Rob was working nights so the stress of being up with Ben all night, being at school all day and at clinical on the weekends finally started to get to me. I had switched Ben from daycare to private care, which I will say was a HUGE blessing. We found two sitters who were absolutely wonderful with Ben and I had no problems leaving him in their care. I studied so hard that quarter, spending hours a night away from my husband and my son. I was always on edge and easily frustrated. I missed them so much but I knew I had to work hard if I was going to make it through school. As most of you know, I didn't make it. I failed the quarter, and I could not seem to understand why this had happened. It wasn't in my "plan".

This morning I was sitting on my back porch, sipping my coffee and thinking about the events of the past few months. I know what I have been feeling since becoming a stay-at-home mom but it seemed so confusing to me because this staying at home thing was certainly not what I thought it would be. I simply love it. I have learned so much about my son's personality and I feel so much more connected to him and his needs. I have learned how he responds to stimuli in his environment, what his likes and dislikes are, how he learns and how he needs comforted when he is upset. One of the coolest things that has happened is that he now will look at me from across the room, squeal in excitement and come crawling up to me and just cuddle. He is such a cool kid and I love playing with him, reading to him, "dancing" with him, making his meals and so much more.

Staying at home has not only effected my sons life though, I have noticed a significant difference in my marriage. My husband has always been by biggest cheerleader and has been so supportive of anything I do. I feel like now though, without the added stress and fatigue of school and full-time work, I can in turn encourage and build-up my husband in a way that I know he needs. I love making a home for him that is welcoming and comforting and relaxing. He works so hard for us and I enjoy the little things I have time to do for him now.

The contentment I feel in my life has been difficult for me to process though, and even more confusing as to what it means for my future. I wasn't sure how to put what I was feeling and experiencing into words until someone else did it for me. In chatting with a friend today, she said something that struck me as profound, and really resonated with what's been on my heart...

"I'm just trying to find my place in this world. Thought I knew until I became a mommy."

Only God knows what the future holds for me. Until that is revealed, I am content to follow my heart and put my energy into that which matters most to me in my life... my family.

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