Memories
Being a cancer widow forever changes your life. The memories and pain, while they do get better and easier everyday, never really go away. It's been over four years since my Michael died, and my life has certainly been a rollercoater of ups and downs since his passing. I am living proof, however, that life does go on and amazing blessings and miracles do happen. I am reminded of that everytime I kiss my husband and hold our son.
A few years ago I started a very small support group of young widows and/or couples who were facing cancer. All of us under 30. Today, the only member of that group left that had a living spouse, lost her husband. No matter how well you know someone, how close you are to thier personal situation, news like this is devestating and hits so close to your heart that you can actually feel pain.
The pain I feel today is not so much from the memory of Michaels death, but more a feeling of empathy for this widow. I know first hand what she is facing today, and the struggles she will face in the coming days, weeks and months. Being on the opposite end of the spectrum, I know that it's possible for life to go on and that she can heal from this, but knowing what she is going through at this exact moment in time breaks my heart.
When my Michael died I felt like my world fell apart. Everything that I knew and loved and cherished, everything that I put my energy into and my future into was gone. I remember what it felt like to watch him take that last breath and so deperately wanting to shake him and shout, "Wake up! Come back! Please don't leave me!". A feeling of pure helplessness and uncontrollable grief consumes your body and your heart.
The days that followed Michaels death are kind of a blur. There were arrangements to be made, people to contact and so many family members and friends stopping in. I remember thinking that I had to put my life back together and be the "strong" woman that everyone for months had told me I was being. It's almost like you go into auto-pilot and just let things happen as they do.
I think one of the most difficult parts of the grieving process for a widow is at night. The visits from friends and family are so encouraging and needed, but you are still so desperatly lonely. I remember laying in bed the first few nights after Michael died thinking, all these people get to go home and crawl into bed with thier partner. These people have thier spouse to comfort and console them, but I'm alone! I crawled into bed at night alone, and the one person I needed to help me grieve, was the person I was grieving. I remember sleeping on Michaels side of the bed that night because it was too painful to look over and not see him in his "spot". There is no way to describe how lonely this feeling is and it breaks my heart knowing that tonight, another woman will experience this for the first time.
I have come a long way since my Michael's death, and I am immeasurably happy now. The journey to this point though, I would not wish on anyone. There are so many things that happened over the past four years that were painful and confusing and so many times I simply felt lost and alone.
My prayer today for this beautiful woman is strength, comfort, guidance and love. As much as she will face in the next few months and years, I hope she is encouraged and uplifted by the people in her life. I pray that she is blessed with love and healing.
My prayer for all of us today is that we realize how precious life is and how valuable marriage is. My husband, Robert, is my life. He is my partner and my strength. He has changed my heart, and has shown me unconditional love and support. Days like today remind me to love him fully everyday.
No matter what is going on, no matter how hectic life gets, if you are blessed enough to have an amazing partner in life... cherish them.
A few years ago I started a very small support group of young widows and/or couples who were facing cancer. All of us under 30. Today, the only member of that group left that had a living spouse, lost her husband. No matter how well you know someone, how close you are to thier personal situation, news like this is devestating and hits so close to your heart that you can actually feel pain.
The pain I feel today is not so much from the memory of Michaels death, but more a feeling of empathy for this widow. I know first hand what she is facing today, and the struggles she will face in the coming days, weeks and months. Being on the opposite end of the spectrum, I know that it's possible for life to go on and that she can heal from this, but knowing what she is going through at this exact moment in time breaks my heart.
When my Michael died I felt like my world fell apart. Everything that I knew and loved and cherished, everything that I put my energy into and my future into was gone. I remember what it felt like to watch him take that last breath and so deperately wanting to shake him and shout, "Wake up! Come back! Please don't leave me!". A feeling of pure helplessness and uncontrollable grief consumes your body and your heart.
The days that followed Michaels death are kind of a blur. There were arrangements to be made, people to contact and so many family members and friends stopping in. I remember thinking that I had to put my life back together and be the "strong" woman that everyone for months had told me I was being. It's almost like you go into auto-pilot and just let things happen as they do.
I think one of the most difficult parts of the grieving process for a widow is at night. The visits from friends and family are so encouraging and needed, but you are still so desperatly lonely. I remember laying in bed the first few nights after Michael died thinking, all these people get to go home and crawl into bed with thier partner. These people have thier spouse to comfort and console them, but I'm alone! I crawled into bed at night alone, and the one person I needed to help me grieve, was the person I was grieving. I remember sleeping on Michaels side of the bed that night because it was too painful to look over and not see him in his "spot". There is no way to describe how lonely this feeling is and it breaks my heart knowing that tonight, another woman will experience this for the first time.
I have come a long way since my Michael's death, and I am immeasurably happy now. The journey to this point though, I would not wish on anyone. There are so many things that happened over the past four years that were painful and confusing and so many times I simply felt lost and alone.
My prayer today for this beautiful woman is strength, comfort, guidance and love. As much as she will face in the next few months and years, I hope she is encouraged and uplifted by the people in her life. I pray that she is blessed with love and healing.
My prayer for all of us today is that we realize how precious life is and how valuable marriage is. My husband, Robert, is my life. He is my partner and my strength. He has changed my heart, and has shown me unconditional love and support. Days like today remind me to love him fully everyday.
No matter what is going on, no matter how hectic life gets, if you are blessed enough to have an amazing partner in life... cherish them.
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