Life
It's been almost a month since I last blogged. I was in a rut, feeling out of my element and uninspired. Life was hectic, and crazy. I was unhappy living in my grandmothers house and I decided I needed to do something about it. I was also busy planning the CD release party for Michael. I was building my business at the salon, while looking for a part-time summer job as well. I was also in the beginning of a new relationship. My plate was full, and therefore my writing got pushed aside.
I have come a long way in a short amount of time. I feel as though things are starting to "settle", and as much as I desire that and welcome that, it also brings a sense of closure to my "life as I knew it".
Starting off, Michael's CD release party was a huge success. Even if only 1 CD had been purchased (which it wasn't, we sold many more than that), we had a great night of music, showcasing so much talent. We had a night of honoring and remembering Michael not for his cancer, but for his music. This event showed so many what we already knew, how amazing and talented my husband was. There were so many people who put months and months of work into this event. There was so much love that night. It was truly beautiful.
With that being said, it was also a night of closure. It was hard to plan and plan and plan a night centered around my husband, knowing that at the end of the evening, nothing would change, he would still be gone. That part is still hard for me. Making slide shows, going through pictures, rehearsing with the bands Michael played with, it was all so surreal knowing that we were doing all of this without him. There were times I would look up on the stage and expect to see him sitting there. Or times that something would happen and I would know exactly what Michael would have done or said. I could see his smile, hear his laugh and feel his presence. It was beautiful, but sad. I missed him. A lot. And preparing for this event brought a lot of those feelings back.
It's like that when I go to the cemetery. When I pull in the drive, I can't believe I'm actually there. I can't describe the feeling, it's just surreal. It hits me a different way every time. Every time I go there I have a different though or feel, but it always goes back to not believing it actually happened. I never expected Michael to die. I didn't think twice about marrying him, not once. But in my mind I never expected anything but him making it through it. Sometimes the shock factor still gets to me, even after a year.
So that was the hard part about the party, but overall it was an amazing night, filled with amazing people.
Moving on....I moved into an apartment about two weeks ago. I got rid of almost everything before I left Phoenix, so starting over in a new place has been interesting. I'm not used to having so little, but in a way it's nice. Not a lot of "junk". Still, a dresser and some end tables would be nice! :o) These things will come in time. I'm not too worried about it. My apartment is fantastic. I live about 1/4 of a mile from work, so I often walk. I am close to coffee shops, grocery stores, bars and clothing stores, and with gas prices, this is all a good thing. That was one key factor in deciding where to live. It's nice here, I really like it and feel like once I get settled and make some "cosmetic" changes to my place I will feel more and more "at home". Being on my own again is a fantastic feeling. It did, however, bring me to another surreal and difficult "Michael moment". (That's what I call the rough times when I'm sad about him, "Michael moments".)
While unpacking and moving in, I also unpacked all the boxes from Phoenix that I did move. All of the important stuff. Of course, in those boxes, were hundreds of pictures of Michael and I. That was rough. I also went to the storage garage that some stuff from our previous apartment was put in. I decided to use the old love seat we had, but going into that garage and seeing some of our stuff was not easy. Just a reminder of how final death is, and how no matter where you go or what you do or how much time passes, life has to go on. Again, a feeling that I cannot accurately describe.
And last, but most importantly in my life, I met someone. Someone amazing. I have not discussed with him his feeling about "blogging" about our relationship, so for now I will hold back and simply say that people are put in your life for a reason and there is no way of denying that his man was put in my life for a very special reason. He is amazing and I am very blessed. And very, very happy.
Hopefully I will start blogging more now that I feel a little more settled....my next big goal, buy a laptop and start my book :o)
I have come a long way in a short amount of time. I feel as though things are starting to "settle", and as much as I desire that and welcome that, it also brings a sense of closure to my "life as I knew it".
Starting off, Michael's CD release party was a huge success. Even if only 1 CD had been purchased (which it wasn't, we sold many more than that), we had a great night of music, showcasing so much talent. We had a night of honoring and remembering Michael not for his cancer, but for his music. This event showed so many what we already knew, how amazing and talented my husband was. There were so many people who put months and months of work into this event. There was so much love that night. It was truly beautiful.
With that being said, it was also a night of closure. It was hard to plan and plan and plan a night centered around my husband, knowing that at the end of the evening, nothing would change, he would still be gone. That part is still hard for me. Making slide shows, going through pictures, rehearsing with the bands Michael played with, it was all so surreal knowing that we were doing all of this without him. There were times I would look up on the stage and expect to see him sitting there. Or times that something would happen and I would know exactly what Michael would have done or said. I could see his smile, hear his laugh and feel his presence. It was beautiful, but sad. I missed him. A lot. And preparing for this event brought a lot of those feelings back.
It's like that when I go to the cemetery. When I pull in the drive, I can't believe I'm actually there. I can't describe the feeling, it's just surreal. It hits me a different way every time. Every time I go there I have a different though or feel, but it always goes back to not believing it actually happened. I never expected Michael to die. I didn't think twice about marrying him, not once. But in my mind I never expected anything but him making it through it. Sometimes the shock factor still gets to me, even after a year.
So that was the hard part about the party, but overall it was an amazing night, filled with amazing people.
Moving on....I moved into an apartment about two weeks ago. I got rid of almost everything before I left Phoenix, so starting over in a new place has been interesting. I'm not used to having so little, but in a way it's nice. Not a lot of "junk". Still, a dresser and some end tables would be nice! :o) These things will come in time. I'm not too worried about it. My apartment is fantastic. I live about 1/4 of a mile from work, so I often walk. I am close to coffee shops, grocery stores, bars and clothing stores, and with gas prices, this is all a good thing. That was one key factor in deciding where to live. It's nice here, I really like it and feel like once I get settled and make some "cosmetic" changes to my place I will feel more and more "at home". Being on my own again is a fantastic feeling. It did, however, bring me to another surreal and difficult "Michael moment". (That's what I call the rough times when I'm sad about him, "Michael moments".)
While unpacking and moving in, I also unpacked all the boxes from Phoenix that I did move. All of the important stuff. Of course, in those boxes, were hundreds of pictures of Michael and I. That was rough. I also went to the storage garage that some stuff from our previous apartment was put in. I decided to use the old love seat we had, but going into that garage and seeing some of our stuff was not easy. Just a reminder of how final death is, and how no matter where you go or what you do or how much time passes, life has to go on. Again, a feeling that I cannot accurately describe.
And last, but most importantly in my life, I met someone. Someone amazing. I have not discussed with him his feeling about "blogging" about our relationship, so for now I will hold back and simply say that people are put in your life for a reason and there is no way of denying that his man was put in my life for a very special reason. He is amazing and I am very blessed. And very, very happy.
Hopefully I will start blogging more now that I feel a little more settled....my next big goal, buy a laptop and start my book :o)
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