The Shadow of Uncertainty....Exposed.

Have you ever been in a place in your life when the shadow of uncertainty seems to loom so heavily over you, you wonder if you will ever be able to outrun it? Change is inevitable in life. Without change I would never grow. Without growth, I would never develop character. Uncertainty is one thing I have had to get use to over the past year. To an extent, we all live our lives under the shadow of uncertainly. But when something beyond our relm of "normal" happens, and our uncertainty is exposed into direct sunlight, it is extemely humbling and makes us realize how much we need to completely turn our lives over to God. We have to trust that in a world of uncertainty, He is always certain.

As I prepare to move home, I am once again stepping into direct sunlight. I'm exposing the fact that I am scared to death of my uncertain future. I'm exposing that I have chosen to follow my heart with my career. I have given God control of the things in my life that, if given the choice, I would much rather have control over! I want to be financially secure, I want to find love again, I want to make my way in this world and leave my own legacy. But in each one of those areas, I am learning that it's not my life and my accomplishments, but rather, God's. I so desperately want to live His will, and do with my life what He wants for me. But to get to that point and discover His plan, I must trust that steping out of the shadow of uncertainty and into direct sunlight is a good thing.

One of the passions I have and something I feel like I need to do is write. I have so many thoughts and feelings in my head. So many joys, fears, frustrations, questions. I know that part of this journey, part of the things I have been through in my life, were preparation for my testimony. If I had to suffer, if I had to experience heartache and pain so that one day I could help someone else, then thats what was suppose to happen. I have accepted that. But I don't want it to be about me. I want it to be about what God can do through me. Thats the thought that keeps me grounded. But this is where the shadow of uncertainty comes into play. I don't know the timing of all of this. I don't know if or when I will have a published book. I don't know if it will support me financially. I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I have to do it. It's not an option. The thoughts and words put into my head are not mine. They are my life experiences, but not my words. Therefore I cannot keep them to myself. Although I do not know the outcome, I must expose this part of me. And as vulnerable as it might make me, I have to trust that God will protect me and guide my steps.

One of the most difficult parts of life to give to God, and face the uncertainty of, is love. This is especially difficult because I have experienced love, and I know love. There are times that the loneliness is so suffocating, so overwhelming, that I am affraid the depth of my sadness will drown me. Sometimes I ache so badly to be held. To be touched. To be looked at adoringly. Being lonely is a terrible feeling. Especially when I have so much love to give in return. I have learned over the past year that trying to fill that void in my heart with anything but God, is not only destructive, but leaves me feeling even worse than before. A very dear friend of mine, who is a very strong Christian woman, once told me that God can be to you everything a Husband would be. I can turn to God for financial stability. He will provide for me. I can turn to God's strength when I am weak. He will protect me. And I can sing to him in praise and worship when my heart is lonely. He will comfort me. And even as I type these things, and God is speaking through me, He is also speaking to me. He is slowly shining His light into the uncertainty of my lonely heart.

As I daily discover and grow and learn to accept uncertainty, I also learn that with uncertainty comes a greater need for faith. I have to have faith that God knows the desires of my heart. He made me. He created me. He knows what I want. I may be uncertain of what my future holds, but I am certain of what God has brought me though. And I know that He has never let me down. Even in my times of loneliness, in times of anger, in times of trust and untrust in Him, He has been there. You know how I know? Because He has given me the strength to come though some terrible things in my life and still have the desire and the ability to see how those situations can be turned around for good. Thats how I know that He is with me. And that is how I know that in a world filled with uncertainly, the one thing I can count on is that I am secure in my God. For He brought me through my past, He walks with my in my present, and He holds not only my future, but my eternity.